


Volatile

by dartmouth420



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Artists, Angst, Depression, Drama, Established Relationship, F/F, Friendship/Love, Infidelity, Insomnia, Lesbian AU, Multi, Open Relationships, POV Alternating, Polyamory Negotiations, Shameless Smut, approximately canon ages, characters to be tagged as they appear, grown up women badly managing their feelings, this is SUCH a soap opera
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27622490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dartmouth420/pseuds/dartmouth420
Summary: Raja and Manila's relationship has slowly lost it's spark. It's hard to keep things fresh after fifteen years together. So, why not try an open relationship? What could possibly go wrong?But while Raja distracts herself hooking up with half the city, Manila is getting dangerously close to Raven, who as Raja's best friend (despite Raven's decade-long hidden feelings for her) is supposed to be off limits...Featuring a classic love triangle, plenty of bad decisions, chronic depression, the endless struggle for work-life balance, some healthy (and unhealthy) lesbian smut, and three grown-up women trying to figure out the shit they should've figured out a long time ago.
Relationships: Raven/Tatianna (Drag Race), Sutan Amrull | Raja/Bianca Del Rio, Sutan Amrull | Raja/Manila Luzon, Sutan Amrull | Raja/Manila Luzon/Raven, Sutan Amrull | Raja/Raven, multiple side relationships
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote most of this last fall/winter, but then i abandoned it because i couldn't figure out the end but now i'm rewriting and actually posting it, and hopefully the ending will be satisfactory! it's basically just an excuse to write a bunch of smut & drama & dysfunctional relationships, the self-indulgence is REAL! enjoy! :)

"Yeah, I think that could work," said Manila, with a nod.

The statement hung between Raja and Manila as they sat across from one another at their kitchen table. The energy between them was tense and nervous. Manila suddenly unclasped her hands, realizing she'd been twisting her gold wedding ring back and forth on her finger.

"We'll need to set some boundaries," added Raja after a moment, tucking her long grey-black hair behind one ear.

"Yeah," agreed Manila, "I'd prefer it if you didn't bring anyone back to our house, I won't either."

"Only at other people's places," confirmed Raja, with a quick smile. "Yeah, we don't need the weirdness of either of us having a date over."

Manila nodded again, returning the smile. The idea of an open relationship was a combination of frightening and thrilling, but most importantly it was new. And they both desperately needed something new. Raja let out a breath of relief, and Manila noticed the anxious tension leaving her shoulders. How long had she been thinking about this?

"And… no sleeping with anyone we know," said Manila, trying to keep her mind on task.

"Okay," agreed Raja, "But how far does that extend, just old friends or… ?"

Manila thought about it for a moment, and said, "How about no close mutual friends who know us as a couple? We don't need the drama."

"Yeah," said Raja, and leaned forward with one elbow on the table, counting on her fingers, "That'll be pretty easy; Jujubee is straight and married, Delta too, Carmen and Mariah wouldn't be interested, Betty and Sasha are both involved, and Latrice lives in Atlanta now…"

"Don't forget about Raven," joked Manila.

"Oh right! Maybe I am going senile," laughed Raja, "Yeah, she's off limits for sure. Not that I'd want to fuck my best friend anyway, she's like a sister to me."

"Totally, me too," agreed Manila with a chuckle, briefly picturing Raven's choppy blonde hair and her intense eyes. "Raven is definitely off limits."

"Right," said Raja, pausing, "Uh, and what about sharing details with each other? How much do you want to know?"

Manila looked down at their wooden table, contemplating the curved black burn mark near the edge. The table had been the victim of a very hot pot of pasta a few years back. She tried to imagine how she'd feel telling Raja about sleeping with someone else. Raja would probably want to know, she was an oversharer, but Manila liked to hold information a little closer to her chest… 

"Manila?" prompted Raja, "Sharing details?"

"Oh," said Manila, shaking her head, "Sorry, yeah no, I don't think so. We can tell each other loosely what's going on, but I'd rather not know for now."

Raja nodded, looking pleased, and said, "Great. I think we can make this work."

"For sure!" agreed Manila, relieved that they'd come to a happy conclusion after the difficult conversation, "As long as we keep communicating about it and everything. I'm glad that you proposed this actually, I've been- well, things have been difficult lately-"

"I've been frustrated too. I don't love you any less, just- you know."

There was a second of tense silence sat between them. Manila knew the decision was for the best, and she looked away from Raja across the table to the familiar art on the walls, to their blue kitchen cupboards and the mugs left beside the sink. Everything in their home was as it should be, familiar, comforting, almost boring. The change would do them both some good.

"Yeah," confirmed Manila, nodding and returning her gaze to her wife, "I don't love you any less either, but-"

"I know," said Raja with a sigh, reaching across the table to squeeze Manila's hand. Manila squeezed back, mild annoyance raising it's head at having been interrupted for the second time. Expression earnest, Raja continued, "Things change. Fifteen years is a long time to be with _anyone._ I love you too."

-

"The conversation went really well!" announced Raja into her cell phone the next day, pounding the pavement down the street from work to the subway. 

"I wouldn't have expected any less from you," replied Raven dryly on the other end of the line, not quite as enthusiastic as Raja had been expecting.

"Yeah, bitch!" Raja practically sang into the phone, trying to bring Raven's energy up to match hers, "Anyway, are you free tonight? I need you to help me set up some dating profiles or something, you know how bad I am at using my phone."

"Whatever, grandma. Yeah, I'm free, come by and bring wine."

Raja was very pleased with herself as she swung by the liquor store by the subway station for wine. When she arrived home she quickly changed out of her work clothes into something more casual and heated up some leftovers for dinner. Manila wasn't home. Manila had been out late at her studio lately, given her upcoming art exhibition which would open in about four months.

Soon enough Raja was opening the door to Raven's apartment, and calling out a hello while she toed her shoes off. She walked through into the tidy living room, where Raven was sitting on the couch, leaning forward with her eyes on her phone, two wine glasses out on the coffee table. Raja took the bottle of white wine out of her bag with a grin. Raja liked white wine for talking shit, red wine for getting sexy and gin for chaos.

"I need you to tell me if I look good in any of these pictures," said Raja, tossing her phone at Raven and joining her on the couch, uncapping the wine bottle and pouring them both generous helpings.

Raven sat up straight, greeted Raja in return and tucked her wavy, chin-length blonde hair behind her ears before looking at Raja's phone. 

"You look amazing, obviously," stated Raven, rolling her eyes, "But you only need four photos at the most, otherwise it's obnoxious. Are you using _Tinder,_ or _Her?_ "

"I don't know, both?" replied Raja, who didn't know the difference. She sipped at her wine.

"Both it is, you filthy slut," replied Raven, with a wicked grin beneath the dark circles under her eyes. Raja briefly wondered whether her insomnia was back before scoffing and smacking Raven's knee in protest.

"So, Manila wasn't upset when you brought it up?" asked Raven, typing something on Raja's phone.

"No," replied Raja, leaning back, "She took it well. We're still ironing it out but I'm feeling really good about it."

"I'm happy for you both. I hope it's what you need."

"I think it will be. How are things going with you?"

"Ugh," complained Raven, tossing Raja's phone down and grabbing her glass of wine, taking a long drink, "Tatianna's coming over later tonight."

"What? Still?" demanded Raja, turning on the couch to face Raven fully, "I thought you were breaking up with her?!"

Raven's expression briefly flashed to guilty and she looked down, speaking quickly, "I was- I am. _I am._ It'll happen soon-"

"Well it should!" pressed Raja, annoyed. Raven and Tatianna's on again off again relationship had never been stable, and they had a tendency to bring out the worst in each other. Raja had just gone out on a limb to make changes of the better in her own relationship, surely Raven could get her act together and do the same. "You can both do better. Like I know she's hot, but god, at what cost?"

Raven laughed out loud, "We can _both_ do better? Seriously? Bitch."

"Yeah," argued Raja, "You should _both_ be with people who actually make you happy, like _respectively,_ duh."

"Sure," shrugged Raven, and then she picked up Raja's phone again, "Come here, lets get these profiles set up and I'll show you how to use the apps… "

Raja leaned in, looking over Raven's shoulder as Raven talked her through it. Soon enough, the profiles read _Raja, 46,_ complete with photos and a simple one-line bio. Raja grinned, and thanked Raven for her help. This was going to be _fun._

-

Manila was emerging from a few hours of deep, intense focus.

In her studio, Manila picked up her phone, trying to find the right music for the second wind she hoped would arrive soon. Nothing felt right so she let the silence envelop her, staring at the large drawing she'd taped to the wall. It was the sketch for what would be the centrepiece of her exhibition; an installation piece built into a low room with a dropped ceiling, lit in pink tones. It would feature a stark white bed frame, with two fleshy textile sculptures entwined on the bed, wrapped in red yarn. It was meant to be at once familiar and unsettling.

Manila needed to revisit her artist statement again. She sighed and walked up to the drawing and attacked it with an eraser, stiffly redrawing a few lines. 

Winning the grant money for this project had been a huge honour and responsibility. Finally, Manila was getting paid to do her artwork full time, at least during the eight month period leading up to the exhibition. She was working with a curator she'd admired for years at a major public gallery. It was all coming together. 

But the pressure was huge, the show had to be successful. Ideally, the gallery would purchase some of her pieces for their permanent collection. And if it garnered interest, the show could even travel. Manila had been hustling for so long, doing so many random side gigs and jobs, applying for endless for grants, residencies, shows, opportunities. Manila stepped back, reviewing the drawing again, trying to translate the vision in her head onto the wall. This exhibition was going to be an important step in her career and _it had to go well._

Her dedication to her work, this project in particular, was borderline obsessive. Manila spent every single day in the studio, except for when regular life got in the way… like the pile of laundry she suddenly remembered, having shoved it into the closet earlier in the day. The urge to create was like an unscratchable itch.

Manila hoped, not without mild guilt, that Raja might have noticed the pile of laundry and had the wherewithal to wash it. She moved back to her desk and took out her sketchbook, going over one of her to-do lists. Raja was her rock, a wonderful consistent presence in her life, a source of joy and love. Manila had known, almost as soon as they'd met, that Raja was her person, her soulmate, the only person she'd ever want to be with.

Admittedly, the suggestion for an open relationship a few days ago had come as a bit of a shock. But the reasoning, both logical and emotional, was sound. Manila didn't feel jealous, Raja had always been more outgoing, more flirtatious and more wild than Manila ever was. Manila knew she'd been less attentive to Raja lately, maybe even over the past couples years with her career ramping up. It was difficult to relax and actually be present with her wife. But Raja was comfortable and happy in her own career in fashion, having recently attained a promotion to managing the design team and was making plenty of money for a smaller workload. 

The only downside to it was that Raja was the kind of person who got bored easily.

Well, thought Manila to herself, after the exhibition things could return to normal. In fact, Raja was coming to pick her up in a couple hours. Manila sighed, and checked her to-do list, then walked back over and worked the tacks out of the drywall, taking down the drawing.

-

Raja walked through the hallway in the big older warehouse building that housed Manila's studio. As Raja approached, she heard music trailing out from under the door. She smiled to herself.

"Hey babe!" called Raja, opening the door. The studio space was shared with two other artists, 'Acid' Betty and Sasha Velour, who were old art school pals of Manila's but judging by the volume of the music neither of them were in tonight. 

Manila's things were everywhere, strewn out from the epicentre of the disaster at her end of the room. There were pieces of wire on the floor, along with an abandoned pair of pliers and endless bits of fabric and red string. A bulbous form, made from beige fabric wrapped on a wire frame, ensnared with red string and stuffed with something lumpy stood tall against the wall. Manila was lost in thought, staring at the sculpture, one hand picking at her bottom lip. Raja walked over carefully.

"That looks, uh…"

Raja didn't particularly like the sculpture by the wall. There was something repulsive about it, fleshy and unearthly.

"Yeah," said Manila, finally turning and looking at her. The music wailed in the background. Manila had that look in her eye of deep concentration, and Raja knew it might take her a little while to surface. That happened when Manila became immersed in her work, especially the weird, visceral sculptures she'd been working on lately. This project had _finally_ won her a huge grant and a solo show at a major public gallery, as had been her dream for many years. The installation date was coming up in four months, and Manila had been working tirelessly to get everything ready. Raja was almost envious, she rarely did any hands-on creation anymore.

"I don't think it's done," murmured Manila, idly reaching over and patting Raja's arm, "But I think _I'm_ done for tonight."

Raja noted the smear of paint at her temple and her unruly hair. Manila had been practically living in the studio for the past couple months, and it was only going to get more intense as the deadline approached.

"We can head out whenever you're ready," said Raja patiently.

"Yeah." Manila offered her a smile and glanced back at her workspace. The desk was covered in loose paper, supplies and open sketchbooks, "I need to tidy that first."

"I'll be over there," said Raja, kissing her cheek and heading for the comfortable chair next to the door, which had been helpfully installed by Manila for anyone who visited and had to wait. Which was usually Raja.

While Manila turned the music down and started to tidy Raja sat and took out her phone. She opened up _Tinder_ and started swiping. There weren't many interesting people on that particular app, but she'd been giving it her best shot.

A profile popped up, somebody named _Bianca, 45._ Raja paused. Bianca wasn't traditionally pretty with her big nose and strong jaw. She drew her makeup strangely, big dark eyes with white underneath, almost clown-like. But there was something stark and compelling about her. Raja tapped through her photos. There were a couple shots of Bianca standing on a stage with a mic in her hand, mid-laugh. She was a stand-up comic, apparently. Hmm. Raja looked at her bio.

_Another angry old bitch looking to get laid, what more could you want?_

Raja snorted a laugh, leaning back in the chair. This Bianca character was certainly funny. And she had beautiful hair, golden-brown curls that she wore in the same half up-do in almost all the photos. Well… 

Raja swiped right.

They immediately matched.

Well hello, Bianca.

She glanced up. Manila had paused in her tidying and was now scribbling something in her sketchbook, looking up every so often to glare at her latest sculpture. Raja glanced back down at her phone. Why the hell not?

_As a fellow angry old bitch I feel called out,_ she messaged Bianca. 

_HA!_ was the response. Raja grinned. It was followed by, _If you can't beat 'em join 'em, amirite?_

_Too right. So you make a career out of being funny?_

_As much as I can, how about you? Ex-model?_

Raja laughed to herself. People regularly thought that about her given her height, her androgynous demeanour, and her excellent taste in fashion. She'd posted some of her more polished, photo-shoot type images on her dating profile. Admittedly, Raja had dabbled in modelling in the past… but designing and making fashion had always been her calling.

_You flatter me,_ replied Raja

_Am I wrong?_

_Not entirely… I design the fashion instead of modelling it._

_In-ter-est-ing,_ replied Bianca, and Raja was already getting a sense of her voice. _So not only is she hot but she's got a head on her shoulders too._

Ooh, okay. Raja raised an eyebrow.

_A good head, I guarantee ;)_ replied Raja, thoroughly enjoying the exchange.

_I'm sure mine's better,_ came back immediately.

_We're just going to have to see about that aren't we?_ pressed Raja, interest growing. She hesitated. How forward should she be? Would it be weird to suggest meeting in person already? But Bianca's reply came in, swift.

_You doing anything Friday? I'll be hanging around Sally's at 11:00, after my show._

Sally's was a local queer dive bar that catered to everyone on the LGBTQ spectrum. Raja knew it, it was a long-standing venue and she'd spent many a fun night there herself, although it had been years since she'd been there.

_I'll be there._

_Don't let the butch bouncers by the door scare ya, they only want pussy under 40._

Raja's face curled into a half-smile. _Well that rules you out, doesn't it?_

Bianca replied with several laugh-crying emojis. They said quick goodbyes and Raja closed the app, pleased with herself. She had a date.

"What were you laughing at?" asked Manila, who was suddenly standing in front of her, a bulging tote bag on her shoulder, ready to go.

"Just somebody on _Tinder,_ " replied Raja smoothly, rising.

" _Tinder?_ " asked Manila, head cocked to the side, until she clued in, and said quickly, "Oh, right. Of course, haha."

"Yeah."

There was a second of awkward tension, but Raja pushed through it and opened the door for Manila, and they made their way out to the car. The weather was just starting to get cold, and Raja noted the fallen leaves swirling on the street as she drove.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Tatianna try to make things work. Manila reflects and makes an inquiry. Raja goes out to meet Bianca.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad relationships happen, unfortunately! but so does smut >:)  
> cw: smut, strap-ons, mild biphobia
> 
> _you used to get it in your fishnets  
>  now you only get it in your nightdress  
> turned in all those naughty nights for niceness  
> landed in a very common crisis  
> -the arctic monkeys 'fluorescent adolescent' _

Raven sighed and put down her briefcase as she shut the door to her apartment. Another work day done. She bent to remove her shoes and then stood, flipping her hair out of her face. It had been a few days since Raja broke the news, and Raven was still turning the new information over in her head. An open relationship… well, they were certainly common, but they could become very complicated.

Raven walked into the kitchen in her sock feet and looked in the fridge. Raja and Manila had been married for six years, after being together for nine before that. Raven had met Raja about ten years ago and Raja remained one of the most important, close and loving friends in Raven's life. It had always been just that, friendship. 

But Raven had always brutally, regretfully, much to her _ever increasing chagrin…_ carried a torch for Raja. 

However, with what Raven considered to be _fantastic willpower_ and the help of her psychologist, she'd had locked those feelings away in a tiny closet in the back of her mind so they didn't bother her. But when Raja had come over the other night, all happy and eager about the new dating opportunities before her, something in Raven had shifted. That tightly shut door had come unlocked and a tiny light shone out. Raven had been trying to crush it ever since. The whole thing was putting her on edge.

Dinner would be leftovers, decided Raven, and she walked into the living room. Tatianna was lying on the couch, glued to her phone.

"Hey."

"Hey," said Tatianna, glancing up at Raven, "How was your day?"

"Fine, crunched some numbers, dealt with some assholes. You?"

"Yeah pretty much fine. Just work. Did a few good sales." Tatianna stared back at her phone.

"That's good."

Raven went to her bedroom to change. Tatianna had been getting on her nerves lately. But it was really hard to leave her, especially when Raven was feeling lonely and the sex was, admittedly, good. Far too good. Raven stripped out of her business clothes and changed into something casual. She went back into the kitchen and tried to finagle dinner into something less boring than limited leftover options in the fridge. Raven wanted pasta. She always wanted pasta.

"Hey, so, do you have plans tonight?" called Raven.

No response from the living room.

"Hey Tati, did you hear me?"

"Oh yeah," came Tatianna's soft voice, "Uh…"

Raven rolled her eyes.

"Yeah… I was going to go for dinner with my coworkers," called Tatianna, "We're still figuring out when though."

"Well," sighed Raven, pressing her hands on the counter and spreading her fingers wide, staring at the spaces between them. Sometimes Tatianna came by her apartment after work if she was going back out later because it was a lot closer to downtown than her own. What _did_ Raven want tonight? She was also feeling foggy and stressed, like she needed some kind of release. Ideally the messy, sexy, distracting release that Tatianna usually provided.

Tatianna was silent in the other room, except for the tinny audio of some video she was watching. Then the noise stopped.

"Well," said Raven, walking around the corner into the living room again, "I'd like you to come back over later tonight. I don't care what you do earlier."

Tatianna looked up from her phone and Raven let her gaze wander over Tatianna's body. Tatianna noticed her watching, and uncrossed her long legs. Raven let her eyes linger, and then bent down over Tatianna in one swift movement. Raven kissed the younger woman's slightly parted lips. It was a demand for attention as much as an expression of desire and dominance. Tatianna let out a small, excited gasp and Raven caressed her jaw, biting Tatianna's bottom lip. As quickly as she'd moved in, Raven pulled away and stood, affecting aloofness.

"I'll be back around nine-thirty," offered Tatianna, slightly dazed, already looking back at her phone.

Raven nodded and walked back into the kitchen. Tatianna left for dinner soon afterwards, after apathetically inviting Raven to come along. But Raven shook her head, saying she wanted to stay in tonight as Tatianna shrugged and closed the door behind her.

-

Manila carefully watched the back of her studio-mate Sasha Velour's bald head. 

Then she looked away, scratching at the little patch of dry red skin that had recently formed on her inner elbow.

Ostensibly, Manila was in the studio working on a sculpture. But she'd gotten lost in her thoughts staring at Sasha's shiny scalp and trying to figure out the best way to approach a potential… date? Hook-up? Side-piece? Maybe it was too soon. Manila sighed deeply and ran a hand over her face, pushing her hair out of her eyes. Well, she wouldn't hit on Sasha anyway because Sasha had a partner.

Manila didn't particularly care for social media, and the idea of having to respond to a bunch of messages from random people on dating apps wasn't appealing, in fact it sounded annoying and stressful. Plus, Manila had never really been able to to see people as attractive until she talked to them at least once, so what was the point anyway?

Maybe she'd meet somebody at a bar, or an art event or something. There were queer artists she knew in the wider community who might be down to have a good time after a drink. Maybe a few drinks.

But it was hard to be interested in _anyone,_ let alone theoretical strangers, when she was so stressed out.

What Manila really wanted was to talk to Latrice about all of this. But Latrice had moved to Atlanta to expand her business and be closer to new fiancé's family. Manila missed her wildly, but unfortunately they were both incredibly busy and neither of them were great at keeping in touch long-distance. Manila knew it would all fall back into place when she saw her friend again sometime after her project was complete and Latrice was through with her business set-up, but for now… well, she just missed her.

"Hey Sasha," said Manila, somewhat impulsively. 

Sasha looked up and took off her headphones, and replied with a beautiful smile, "Hey, what's up?"

"Uh," said Manila, walking over, rubbing the back of her neck, "What are you working on today?"

"Oh," replied Sasha, gesturing to her work, "Colour panels and character tests, it's for that graphic novel I mentioned…"

Manila leaned on the table and looked over the work. Sasha's illustration style was sharp and distinct, brightly colourful, depicting humans and animals with a distinct aura.

"It looks great," said Manila, and asked her a few further questions. They'd shared space for a long time, and knew each other fairly well, even though they weren't close. Sasha replied happily, apparently pleased with Manila's sudden interest in her project. But what Manila really wanted to do was to send out a line of inquiry into Sasha's social circle, as she was sure Raja was doing in many of her own.

"So," said Manila, with a little laugh, hoping it wouldn't be too awkward, "Do you have any like, single queer friends?"

Sasha cocked her head to the side, "Yes, a few, why do you ask?"

"I, uh," Manila hesitated. She didn't want to explain her situation to Sasha _at all._ So Manila lied, "One of Raja's friends got out of a relationship a while back, she's single, so I'm just kind of asking around for her…"

"Trying to matchmake?" joked Sasha, the light reflecting off her bald head.

"You could say that…"

"Well," mused Sasha, "I mean, you might want to talk to Betty, she knows all those musicians. My friend Aja is single but they're only twenty-seven which might be a little young for someone Raja knows… there's Pepper, oh no wait, she has a girlfriend. Valentina, but she's a little, eh-" Sasha made a doubtful motion with her hand, "-intense. And…. oh, I believe you know Alexis?"

Alexis Michelle was someone who Manila had never really connected with, perhaps due to the gregarious curvy woman having the same name and initials as Manila's gregarious curvy ex-girlfriend from art school, Alexis Mateo. Sasha's list was not promising. Manila thanked her anyway, saying she'd be sure to connect Raja's fake single friend with someone on the list. Manila would in all likelihood encounter some of them around the community herself anyway. It was easy to meet people, right?

"I should host a potluck!" laughed Sasha, lifting her headphones back up to her ears, "You can play matchmaker there."

"Oh, for sure!" replied Manila, turning back to her own workspace, unsure.

-

Friday rolled around and Raja spent more time than she cared to admit getting ready to meet Bianca. She hadn't been on a date with anyone other than Manila in literally fifteen years. It was as exciting as it was nerve-wracking. 

Eventually, she picked out a casual outfit; tight black jeans and a striped button-up shirt, and her good gold hoop earrings for the sake of it.

Ten-forty rolled around and Raja got on the subway. Manila had the car, but Raja hadn't seen her all day; she'd woken up early for work and Manila had slept in then stayed late at the studio. 

The street was busy as Raja walked up to the bar, and the neon lights flashed, making everything look cheap and sexy. Just as Bianca had said, there were two figures outside the door to Sally's who could only be described as bouncers. They were heavy-set butch women both wearing matching leather vests adorned with patches. They looked tough, and the shorter one wore horn-rimmed glasses. Raja had to say she admired the look. She nodded to them, reached for the door handle and went inside.

Music and light spilled out from the top of the stairs. There was a bulletin board with a bunch of flyers on it, and one caught Raja's eye. A dark background with neon writing, _NEON EXPERIENCE ft. DJ garbagewitch._ It listed a date and a venue. Hmm. That seemed interesting. It had been literally forever since Raja had been to a good rave. She took a photo of the poster with her phone.

Raja strode confidently through the doorway, taking in the long bar and the slightly raised stage with a few tables tables near it. There was a dance floor and a DJ booth at the back. It was relatively noisy but immediately she heard a loud, abrasive laugh from the far end of the bar. Raja recognized Bianca from her profile, her gold-brown curls bouncing as she threw her head back with laughter. Bianca held a half-empty pint glass in one hand and gesticulated with the other at an effeminate man with a receding hairline, who was grinning.

Raja approached leisurely, leaning against the bar next to Bianca. It took a second for Bianca to notice her but when she did she did a double take, then smiled in greeting, "Well, hello there."

Raja returned the greeting, aiming for charm.

The man next to Bianca raised an eyebrow and said, "Is this your date, bitch? She's actually your age for once."

"Get outta here, Brian," said Bianca, still looking at Raja, "I'll talk to you later."

'Brian' gave Raja a grin and waved a sarcastic goodbye as he turned away from them. Raja looked Bianca up and down, taking her in and finding herself interested. The energy between them was charged, a little nervous.

"Alright," said Bianca, putting her glass down on the counter, "I'll buy, what are you drinking?"

"Red wine."

"Oh, she's fancy," commented Bianca, signalling to the bartender and placing Raja's order. Then she turned back, taking the opportunity herself to check Raja out and Raja felt the strength of her personality. Raja liked it, being looked at like this, like Bianca was hungry for her. Manila didn't look at her like that anymore.

"So how did your set go?" asked Raja mildly, taking the wine passed to her. 

"Ah, as well as usual," shrugged Bianca, "I'm the Friday opening act, and there's a little local drag show later, kings and queens."

"Mmm, sounds fun." Raja looked around. There were a couple of women eyeing her suspiciously, either they were regulars or they were interested in Bianca. Brian's comment hadn't gone over Raja's head.

"You got anything to tell me about yourself?" asked Bianca flirtatiously.

"Well, I'm…" Raja found herself twisting her wedding ring subconsciously. She dropped her hand, hoping Bianca hadn't noticed.

"Is that a wedding ring?" asked Bianca, her eyes flashing to Raja's hand, her guard going up, "Are you married?"

"Yeah," said Raja, guiltily. She should have taken off her ring before she left.

"To a man?"

"No," laughed Raja, rolling her eyes, "A woman."

"Oh, okay," replied Bianca, relaxing out of her suspicion and sipping her beer, "You two on a break or something?"

"You could say that," said Raja, wishing it hadn't come up, "Just trying the whole open relationship thing, a change of scenery, you know."

"You didn't put that in your profile."

"Yeah, uh, I like my privacy."

Bianca didn't reply, raising one eyebrow at Raja.

"Anyway," said Raja, taking a deep drink of her wine, desperate to dispel the awkwardness, "Uh, I take it this is your regular spot?"

"Oh, so you think I'm an alcoholic?" joked Bianca, mock-offended, nudging Raja with her elbow, "Nah, just kidding, yeah I practically live here."

They talked about the bar scene. Raja was happy for the subject change and Bianca relaxed again, telling her all about the place. Inwardly, Raja reeled a little from her confession. She hadn't planned on mentioning her marriage so early on, if at all. Things were certainly different now than they'd been in the early 2000s. She was off her game. 

Finally feeling like she'd recovered from her earlier blunder Raja ordered another glass of wine and whatever beer Bianca was drinking. The bar slowly filled up, with patrons coming over to greet Bianca, who was quite popular. But Bianca was an attentive date, managing to chat with everyone without ignoring Raja. The time passed quickly and Bianca, it turned out, was really funny.

By her third glass of wine, Raja found herself laughing loudly at some dry quip Bianca had made, draping her hand over Bianca's arm. Bianca chuckled and Raja felt her eyes wandering over her body again.

"So uh," said Bianca, dabbing at the corners of her mouth with the back of her hand, keeping her lipstick in place, "You wanna get out of here?"

Raja took a moment to answer, a little dizzy from the wine. But Bianca was hot, and funny, and they were definitely attracted to each other. And hadn't that been the point of all this, to have a good time and maybe get laid?

"I'd love to."

Raja paid her tab and Bianca just waved at the bartender, before sneaking an arm around Raja's waist and walking her towards the exit. Bianca was almost a full head shorter than her, Raja snorted a laugh at the contrast and let herself be led. On their way out the two bouncers who hung around the entrance catcalled at Bianca, who flipped them off and insulted them back in good humour.

The walk to Bianca's apartment was brief, but it gave Raja time to steady herself.

"Come on up," said Bianca, opening the door to her building with a suggestive look. They proceeded up to Bianca's apartment, a warm tension growing in Raja's gut. This was really going to happen, thought Raja nervously, with someone _new._

Once inside, Raja looked around. The apartment was a small one-bedroom, colourfully decorated. 

"It's not much but it's close to the bar," joked Bianca.

"Love the decor," Raja commented, toeing off her shoes instinctually. A moment passed.

"You wanna see the bedroom?" asked Bianca.

"Absolutely.

With what could only be described as an wicked laugh Bianca led Raja to her bedroom, shutting the door and pulling Raja in close, leaning up to kiss her with power and intent. As Bianca's lips met her own Raja marvelled at the sensation. The action was familiar but the _person_ was new and different and shocking and _it wasn't Manila-_

It felt good. It felt really, _really_ good.

Raja deepened the kiss, gripping Bianca's waist and pushing her back towards the bed. Bianca's knees struck the back of the mattress and she fell, dragging Raja down on top of her. Bianca's breath left her in a huff as Raja struggled up onto her elbows. They both lost their cool and laughed, before Bianca flipped Raja over and straddled her hips, tearing her top up over her head and helping Raja wrestle out of hers.

Raja's breath caught looking at Bianca on top of her, a confident smile on her face, her heavy chest contained in a black sport bra.

Bianca leaned down and kissed Raja again, her hands wandering. Raja tasted the beer and lipstick on Bianca's mouth, running her hands over Bianca's warm back, her arousal increasing with the messy, passionate kisses. Bianca's hands wandered down Raja's torso and worked the fly of her jeans. With a low thrill, Raja pushed Bianca back off her, sitting up to pull her pants down around her knees, and unceremoniously kicking them off her ankles. 

"You look good," murmured Bianca, crossing her arms to pull her bra over her head. 

"So do you," replied Raja, heady and flushed. There was a hot thrum throughout her body that definitely wasn't just from the wine.

Bianca shuffled closer, confidently tracing up Raja's thigh, and Raja eagerly spread her legs. As Bianca touched her Raja bit back a moan, heat rising under her skin. Bianca was dominant, slipping her fingers inside of her as Raja leaned back on her hands and rocked her hips, the tension building further.

Bianca kissed Raja's neck, biting experimentally and Raja found her own hands wandering, touching Bianca's soft, satiny skin, distantly noting how her body was such a different shape than Manila's. Bianca sat back and Raja immediately missed her touch.

"So," purred Bianca, eyes hot like embers, tracing one finger down Raja's naked chest, "How do you want to do this? I've got a strap-on I like to use, if you're into that."

The suggestion sent a jolt of arousal directly between Raja's legs, and she breathed, "Fuck yes."

"Excellent."

In very little time at all, Raja was on top, riding Bianca's strap-on while Bianca thrust up into her, her grip tight on Raja's hips. Raja found herself letting go completely, her head falling back as she fucked out all the pent-up frustration and tension she hadn't even realized was there. 

Finally, after several vigorous sexual activities Raja brought Bianca to her peak for the last time, totally high on the taste of her. Raja crawled up and flopped onto her back next to Bianca and they both lay still for a moment, breathing heavily and looking at the ceiling. Raja had done it, she'd fucked _somebody new_ and it had been _amazing._ Immediately she wanted to tell Manila about it, and then remembered that wasn't part of their arrangement.

Bianca glanced over at her and chuckled, "Well, that was fun."

Raja couldn't help but laugh.

-

Nine thirty rolled around and Raven sat on her couch, watching Netflix. Dinner was done and she'd worked out and done some cleaning and answered some emails and now she was bored. Tatianna had a tendency to be late so Raven figured it might be closer to ten before her girlfriend actually showed up. She stared at the screen without focusing, her mood low and her mind foggy.

Ten fifteen appeared on the clock and Raven was irritated. She didn't care for the show she was watching so she switched to something else. It wasn't any better. Tatianna hadn't texted, and Raven didn't want to be the one to text first, so she put her phone down and glared back at the TV.

Finally, a few minutes before eleven, she heard the door open.

Raven rose and stalked to the doorway, crossing her arms and watching as Tatianna tried to remove her heels. 

"Hey!" said Tatianna, stumbling and throwing her hand out to steady herself on the wall, "It went a little late..."

Over an hour is not _a little,_ thought Raven resentfully. But aloud she said, "That's fine. I wasn't doing anything."

"You never are," laughed Tatianna, flashing her beautiful smile, "You're like an old person, you like staying in."

Insulted, Raven turned away, only to have Tatianna stumble forward and hug her around the waist from behind, whining coyly, "No, come on baby, I didn't mean it…"

Raven sighed. If she aired her feelings she knew it would turn into an argument, and she wanted to have sex more than she wanted to argue. Raven's track record with relationships wasn't great, and she should probably just be happy that someone as young and hot as Tatianna was still seeing her. So Raven quashed down her irritation, took Tatianna's hands from around her waist and led her towards the bedroom. Tatianna giggled, her mouth opening into a moan when Raven pressed her against the wall, kissing her neck and tasting her floral perfume. The scent of sugary cocktails lingered on Tatianna's breath. 

It was hot, messy, sticky oblivion for just under an hour. And then it was over, and the fog settled back over Raven.

Tatianna fell asleep quickly, sprawled naked in Raven's bed. But Raven lay awake, listening to the sound of traffic and watching the orangeish light that filtered in through the window. She felt slightly better for the release and the distraction. Maybe Raja was right and it was time to break up with Tatianna. Maybe with Raja's new open relationship she'd have a chance…

Fuck.

Raven sighed and got up, careful not to wake Tatianna. She went to the bathroom and opened the mirror cabinet, taking out her little yellow container of sleeping pills. She took one, swallowing it with water from the tap cupped in her hand. Hopefully it would work tonight.

-

Raja didn't stay the night with Bianca. She showered after they were done, put her clothes back on and left. 

Bianca was unconcerned, waving her out the door with a good-natured, "Call me sometime!"

Raja thought she just might. She was satisfied, tired and lowly thrilled. If it had been this much fun with Bianca on Raja's first go, what else might be out there? The possibilities stretched before her. On the cab ride back home Raja watched the golden-orange streetlights flash by and the red taillights of the other cars. She was _absolutely_ going to tell Raven all about this the next time she saw her. 

Fumbling with her keys Raja unlocked the door, kicking off her shoes and padding gently to the bedroom. Raja opened the door carefully. It was dark and Manila was asleep, her curly black hair spilled across the pillow. Raja stripped and shrugged on an old T-shirt, then she slipped into bed next to Manila, breathing in the comforting smell of her hair. Manila shifted and mumbled, but didn't wake up. Exhausted, sore and feeling something very new, Raja fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Manila wants a late night snack and gets more than she bargained for. Raja meets Shangela, who's living her best life. Raven and Tatianna argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we start this chapter off with ~smut! plus chaotic haus of edwards realness that raja's just like witnessing from the sidelines lol  
> cw: weed, awkward discussion of age differences
> 
> _you might as well get it while you can babe  
>  cause you know you ain't getting any  
> younger younger younger, are you?  
> -seinabo sey, 'younger'_

Raja was trying not to get irritated by the half-broken string of twinkly lights above Shangela's bed.

Instead, she refocused on Shangela on the bed before her, sitting cross-legged, topless, and rolling a joint. Shangela glanced at Raja with a little smirk. She was doused in pink light from the lamp in the corner of the room with the red scarf thrown over it.

"You want some more, baby?" asked Shangela in her Texan twang.

"Of course," drawled Raja lazily, glancing down at her own long, naked legs, luxurious in the pink light.

It had all started at _NEON EXPERIENCE ft. DJ garbagewitch._ Raja should have known she was too old to go to raves anymore. But she'd gone anyway out of curiosity, alone. And it had been fun, all loud music and bright swirling lights and people moving. And it turned out that people still bought party drugs in the same way as they did back in the day. And wasn't it nice that she happened to meet and dance with (and eventually sloppily make out with against a pillar, the pleasant tingle ecstasy under her skin) a beautiful, petite woman with bright eyes and a blonde weave, who was an excellent dancer? The simple wonder of the movement of one another's bodies through the lights and music and the happy glow of party drugs was all it took. Raja used to meet lots of people that way.

Shangela sealed the joint and reached for her lighter, flicking the little flame alight and breathing in, her beautiful lips closing around the filter. Raja tilted her head to the side, admiring Shangela's wonderful energy. They'd been seeing one another for just over a week.

Shangela was special, she was bright, loud, and friendly, a professional dancer and self-described hula hoop artist who lived with a bunch of other dancers and performers, all of whom seemed to have a kind of casual, polyamorous arrangement with one another. It was the kind of lifestyle that Raja used to live before she met Manila and became a Responsible Adult.

It had been a good time back then, when Raja had been making clothes for fun and trying to do music semi-professionally, but mostly just working at a coffee shop and partying and dicking around making weird beats with her prized synthesizer. Things hadn't been quite as open as Shangela's crew, Raja's roommates had been more of a mixed bag. But she'd maintained a good casual thing with Carmen for a number of years in their twenties, that had ended ages ago they'd remained good friends. Raja let herself sink into the nostalgia. It was a fun collective way of living, and Shangela made her feel young and careless in the best way. Her synth was in the storage closet at home, collecting dust.

Raja shifted closer to Shangela, stroking her waist and plucking the joint from her slim fingers.

"Oh, you're in the mood again?" purred Shangela, quirking an eyebrow.

"People tell me I have surprising endurance," replied Raja. They'd been relaxing and having sex and smoking on and off all night.

Raja inhaled deeply on the joint, then held her breath and leaned in the kiss Shangela, letting the smoke leak into her mouth as Shangela inhaled. The energy between them was low and sexy, or maybe that was just the lighting. There was something exciting about how everyone else wanted Shangela, both at the rave and here in her home where she was popular and in seemingly endless demand from friends and roommates. But tonight she chose to spend her time with Raja for whatever reason, and Raja wasn't complaining.

"Come here," murmured Raja, lying back and pulling Shangela with her. 

Shangela giggled and fell on top of her, kissing Raja properly this time as Raja stroked her warm back.

So far things had been going well. Shangela had a lot of opinions about polyamory, free love, bodies and sex, _"Baby, monogamy was invented by the Catholic Church to keep women down, you look back at any cultural history in like, Africa, or South America you'll find matriarchal societies and let me tell you the ladies did not have to be tied down or listen to any bullshit-"_ Raja wasn't sure that was entirely accurate, but it was interesting, and their stoned conversations became quite philosophical. Shangela occasionally showed Raja videos of herself performing on her phone, her petite, muscular body easily manipulating her series of hoops, which were sometimes even on fire.

It was pretty sexy, Raja had to admit.

Shangela straddled Raja, her weight sudden but delightful as Shangela kissed her neck. Raja ran her hands from Shangela's waist up to her naked chest, catching her nipples between her fingers to hear Shangela's's excited gasp.

"Mmm, yeah, like that," breathed Shangela, her eyelids fluttering.

The ends of Raja's fingers felt more sensitive than usual, like she could an aura outside her skin. Must be the weed.

Shangela tugged at the bottom of Raja's shirt, and Raja paused, lifting it over her head and tossing it to the floor. Everything was warm, heady, comforting. Raja kissed Shangela's neck and her shoulder, and sat up so she could spend more some time getting to know her breasts. 

"That's good, mmh-" murmured Shangela, as Raja explored with her mouth. 

"Keep telling me that," murmured Raja.

Shangela's breath became shallow, her little whimpers wonderful and satisfying in the quiet room as Raja tongued her nipple. It would've been too much stimulation for herself, but she lived giving it to others. Raja became aware of damp warmth through Shangela's underwear where she sat on her thigh.

"What d'you want to do?" breathed Raja into Shangela's ear, pinching her nipple hard between her fingers. 

Shangela moaned in response and said, "I want it on top, I want to sit on your face."

Raja laughed for a moment at the bluntness of Shangela's statement, and then she eased onto her back on Shangela's paisley patterned sheet and pushed a thin pillow under her head. Shangela rolled to the side to remove her purple lace underwear. The twinkly lights seemed to float around them, and the lamp with the red scarf cast an sensual pink glow in the room. Maybe Raja could try that in her own bedroom with Manila, just throwing something red over their lamp, Manila's pale skin would glow beautifully in the pink light, and-

Shangela crawled over, kneeling next to Raja. They adjusted for a moment, as Shangela stepped over her and Raja removed her hair out from under Shangela's knee and pushed it all back behind her head. Raja stroked Shangela's thighs, enjoying the strong muscle that sat just under her light brown skin. Shangela held the brass bedrail and gently lowered herself onto Raja. 

Briefly engulfed, Raja had no thoughts. Just pleasure as she tasted Shangela, and ran her hands up and down her thighs, and licked at her warm, wet folds.

Shangela let out a moan, tilting her head back, her hair spilling down her back.

Raja sucked gently at Shangela's clit and then swirled her tongue around it and went to town. Shangela rocked her hips slowly, almost experimentally. Oh yes. Raja reached around and gripped the muscular curve of her ass, encouraging her to rock and grind on her. Manila loved that too, she couldn't keep still when she was really turned on, she had to move her hips against any friction she could find. It had been a while since Manila had seemed really excited by anything, though. But Shangela was new, and enthusiastic, and their bodies worked well together.

Raja kept going, letting Shangela set the rhythm and responding to it as she grew more and more desperate. Before letting her release, Raja switched it up, sliding her tongue inside of her.

"Oh my god," gasped Shangela, "Ah, _fuck-_ "

Raja glanced up. Given the angle, most of what she could see was Shangela's toned stomach and her naked breasts with the slick of sweat between them, her head was thrown back. Shangela gasped, cursing under her breath and gripping the brass bed frame. A thrill arced down Raja's spine, and she worked Shangela to the precipice until she fell over it. For someone who was so confident and in control most of the time, seeing Shangela come utterly undone like this was very satisfying. 

Finished, Shangela rolled off of Raja and lay beside her, breathing deeply until she settled back to normal. Raja turned towards her, tracing circles on Shangela's shoulder with her still-sensitive fingertips. There was brief quiet, but then two people walked past the door, chatting and laughing down the hallway. Raja wondered vaguely if they'd been able to hear the enthusiastic noise Shangela had been making. There were _some_ downsides to living collectively. A lack of privacy was one of them.

Raja's stomach growled, and she realized she'd lost track of time. It was quite late, dinner had been a long time ago and the weed was doing it's work in her bloodstream.

"I'm hungry," said Raja, sitting up.

"You just ate," replied Shangela, with a salacious grin. 

Raja burst into laughter, then said, "No, I'm serious. Let's get a falafel or something."

Shangela agreed, and they slid off the bed to locate their respective clothes strewn carelessly on the floor.

"So, with your roommates," asked Raja, hazy and curious as she pulled her tight jeans back on, "Are you all like in relationships with each other, or- how does it work?"

"Yeah, kind of," replied Shangela, yawning as she hooked her bra, "Friends and lovers are… well, I like to give everyone equal priority, right? No hierarchy, baby. My girl Alyssa likes guys too so she goes out and gets that sometimes, actually she's outta town right now- I hook up with Gia, and sometimes the three of us end up together, and it gets _real fun_ when some of our other friends come over…" Shangela winked. 

Raja blinked, surprised by the casual confidence in Shangela's explanation. It sounded like a good time, and Raja briefly felt insecure, old and uncool in comparison. Luckily she'd left her wedding ring at home. It was in an envelope on her dresser.

"… and as long as everyone's honest about what they're up for and up to then we're all good," shrugged Shangela, reaching for her purse, "Come on, grandma, let's get something to eat."

Raja followed her out, and suggested impulsively, "So… if you've got a _friend_ hanging around in the next few days, give me a call."

Shangela turned, an amused smile on her mouth, her brown eyes knowing, "What, girl you want to have a threesome or something?"

"I'm down if you're down," replied Raja, turning up her charm and slinging an arm around Shangela's shoulders. She liked the way Shangela fit perfectly under her arm.

"Oh believe me, I'm down."

-

Manila's stomach growled. She blinked and looked at her phone. It was late, around one a.m., but at least it was a Friday. The lights in the studio buzzed and the pipes in the building rattled. She yawned.

It had been a long day, and Manila was once again surrounded by chaos. Bits of wire, open containers of paint and pieces of red string littered the floor, with her latest sculpture rising from the mess like an iceberg. Tomorrow would be spent with Raja, and they'd do some grocery shopping and relax together.

Too tired to clean up, Manila got her purse and left. 

Outside, she looked down the street. There was a pizza place next door, and while it was quick it was mediocre at best. But if she walked for ten minutes she could go to her favourite falafel place. So Manila walked, her long coat swishing around her knees, covering her stained studio overalls. She was merely one of many urban eccentrics out wandering late. 

Manila knew that Raja was seeing people, it really wasn't that big a deal. It didn't seem to be affecting how they were at home with each other, and that was the most important thing. Manila reflected, recalling her experiences before she'd met Raja fifteen years ago. It hadn't been much. A high school boyfriend whom she'd dated for a full year and a half before finally letting him have sex with her in the back of his car on prom night, an experience which had been kind of fun but kind of alienating. Her girlfriend during art school, Alexis, had been a lot more fun. They'd both been messy, young, and stupid and Manila still felt bad about the callous way she'd ended things. They didn't keep in touch, but Manila knew from the occasional creep on social media that Alexis was quite successful.

Manila saw a figure ahead of her, leaning up against a wall and smoking a cigarette, eyes down on her phone. Manila cocked her head to the side, confused for a second until she recognized Raven. Manila paused midstep and then dodged a few people on the sidewalk to sidle up to her.

"Uh, hi!" said Manila, announcing herself.

Raven looked up. Manila smiled. Raven returned the smile, distractedly butting out her cigarette against the brick wall. Raven was Raja's friend of many years, and the two of them had such a close relationship that it occasionally invoked a jealous twinge in the back of Manila's mind.

"What are you doing out so late?" asked Raven, a note of humour in her voice as she put her phone in her pocket.

"Just on my way to get a late night falafel," shrugged Manila, "I was at the studio."

"How's the art project going?"

Manila gave Raven an update on her project. Raven always claimed she didn't 'get' art, but she also always listened closely and asked questions whenever Manila talked about her work. Explaining her process to Raven was easy, realized Manila as she talked, it was easier than discussing it with Raja, who heard about it constantly and was tired of it. Raja was just too close to it. They both were.

"So anyway, I'm up to eyes in work…" sighed Manila, "But we should all get together soon, or something."

Raven nodded vaguely and Manila noted Raven's mussed hair, and the dark circles under her eyes. She looked exhausted. 

With mild concern, Manila asked, "Are you doing okay?"

"Ah, I'm fine," said Raven, shaking her head dismissively, "Insomnia, that's all."

"I'm sorry, hope it goes away soon."

"Yeah thanks," replied Raven, a little stiff, and then she asked, "How are things going with Raja? She told me about, you know."

"Oh," said Manila, blinking with surprise. Of course Raja had told Raven what was happening between them. Raja told Raven everything, and had a tendency to overshare. Manila didn't mind, it was important for people to have confidantes outside of their romantic relationships, but she'd always wondered exactly how many of the _details_ Raven had been told, and what Raven thought about it… well about _her,_ if anything.

"Uh," continued Manila, distracted, "It's good, yeah, I think she's having a good time."

A half-smile grew on Raven's face, and she inquired, "And are _you_ having a good time?"

"I'm fine!" laughed Manila, "I have the project to worry about. I'm as married to _it_ right now as I am to Raja."

Raven chuckled and didn't reply. They stood in silence for a moment. Raven rubbed at her eye.

"Anyway, I should go sleep," sighed Raven, glancing to the door of the building. 

"Yeah, I should go eat," agreed Manila, "I'm getting cold anyway."

Manila awkwardly raised her arm as Raven stepped to the side. They both hesitated. Raven rolled her eyes and stepped forward, giving Manila a one-armed hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. Manila inhaled with surprise, smelling the sharp cigarette smoke around Raven along with something distinct underneath it. Possibly some kind of soap. Raven offered a goodnight and left, walking over to the door of her building.

Manila stood on the sidewalk for a moment, and brought a hand to her cheek. That had been a bit unusual. But then again, Raja often greeted people with cheek kisses, it must be a habit Raven had picked up through her. Huh.

Manila kept walking, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the city at night. She arrived at the falafel place, pulled open the glass door and approached the brightly lit counter. A few minutes later Manila had a warm falafel wrap in her hand and she sat down on the vinyl stool at the window counter to eat, peeling back the foil and eyeing the Seinfeld rerun on the TV in the corner. A few other late night patrons came in and out.

The door opened again when Manila was just about done, and two figures spilled in from the street. Manila looked up at the noise and froze. It was Raja, her arm around a shorter woman with her blonde hair in a loose braid. They were laughing about something, the short woman talking a mile a minute in a Texan accent. Raja hadn't seen her yet. Manila looked down, suddenly nervous.

They had boundaries in place for the new open aspect of their relationship, but they hadn't gone over how to act if they both accidentally ended up at their favourite falafel place past midnight, Manila alone and Raja with a date on her arm.

Raja and the short woman stood by the bright counter, figuring out their order. Manila couldn't help but notice the shorter woman's beautiful, petite and athletic figure. She was young, maybe in her late twenties. Raja recommended her favourite combo in that low, confident voice of hers. Was Manila just supposed to ignore her-?

Manila looked away and crumpled up the foil with the scraps of her midnight snack. It was time to go. She could mention this encounter to Raja in the morning, and they'd laugh about it and discuss how to handle it next time.

"Hey," came Raja's voice, as she slid onto the stool next to Manila. Manila jumped with surprise and turned to face her. Raja regarded Manila with a small smile and half-lidded eyes, almost flirtatious, "I didn't see you when I first came in."

"Yeah, that's okay," replied Manila, nodding, "I was at the studio and got hungry. You know how it goes."

"I know," said Raja, and glanced over at the shorter woman, who was talking energetically with the man assembling the falafels. Manila followed her gaze, knowing that Raja was probably sleeping with her. But that was okay, it was what they'd agreed to. When Manila looked back at Raja she was still watching her, Raja's expression was cautious as if assessing her reaction.

"Anyway," said Manila, bringing a mostly genuine smile to her face and standing, "Have fun. I'm exhausted, I won't keep you."

"Will do," replied Raja, standing, mirroring her movement, "I'll probably be home tonight, well, I don't know. Definitely before lunch tomorrow."

Then she leaned in and kissed Manila's cheek in the same spot Raven had earlier. Surprised, Manila glanced back over at Raja's date, who hadn't noticed their interaction. Manila idly patted Raja's arm, murmured a goodbye, then turned and left.

Manila wandered back down the street back to her studio. She inhaled the cool night air and tried not to let her mind start churning. All was well. Manila glanced up at Raven's building on her way, but she couldn't remember which window was hers, or if her apartment even faced the street. The studio building was quiet at this time of night, with only a few lights on indicating other late night artists hard at work. The car was parked behind the building and Manila got in, turning the radio down and driving home.

-

The door to Shangela's house was almost never locked so Raja just opened it and walked in when she returned a few days later.

Shangela had texted her earlier, saying she was having a party at her house and had a _friend_ who was interested in joining them. A little thrill sat in Raja's stomach at idea. The big space on the first floor that contained the living room and kitchen was crowded and Raja smiled to herself, with the warm glow of nostalgia. Ah, house parties. A good old-fashioned house party was always a great time. There was haze and music and a bunch of people hanging around, luckily they were a mix of ages so Raja didn't feel too out of place. Someone was cooking something. Raja nodded at one of Shangela's roommates whom she recognized, and found Shangela at the kitchen table. There was a girl next to her, just finishing off rolling a joint. As Raja approached the girl placed the joint in her mouth, and Shangela leaned in and lit the end with such familiarity that Raja looked at the girl more closely. 

Raja didn't recognize her. The girl was pale and taller than Shangela, with long muscular limbs and a similar performer energy. Her short straight hair was dyed a bright green. She looked young.

"Raja, baby!" exclaimed Shangela, motioning for Raja to join them at the table, "Meet Laganja, I was just telling her about you."

"Oh my god," laughed the green-haired girl, a grin crossing her face as she looked Raja up and down, "I love your hair. You're like as old as my mom!"

"Uh, yeah, hi," replied Raja dryly, joining them at the table and taking the blunt that Laganja passed to her. What the hell kind of a name was _Laganja,_ anyway? The girl seemed immature. Shangela had a little smirk on her face, leaning her chin onto Laganja's shoulder with obvious affection as they quipped back and forth. Raja smoked and glanced around the room. One of the roommates that Raja vaguely recognized was dropping down into the splits on the floor while another person filmed it and cheered. Laganja had started talking about some philosophy class she was taking, and when Raja tuned back in she realized she was talking about a college course.

Raja frowned and asked, "How old are you?"

"Age is just a number!" sang Laganja with a big grin, putting an arm around Shangela, "I'm a free spirit!"

Raja raised an eyebrow and passed the joint back to Shangela, distinctly unimpressed. Behind her some white chick with dreads had gotten out an acoustic guitar and was singing off-key. The place smelled like weed, patchouli and also, inexplicably, roasting sweet potatoes. Shangela kissed Laganja's shoulder, and whispered something in her ear. 

Without warning, Laganja leaned in, placing her hand on Raja's thigh, and said in a low tone, "Shangie said you two were looking for a _friend,_ mama, and I'm down if you are."

Raja immediately broke Laganja's bloodshot gaze and asked Shangela if they could speak privately. They got up and went into the quieter hallway by the stairs.

"Look, not to rain on the parade or anything," said Raja, taking in yet more partially-functioning twinkly lights while someone laughed loudly from the living room, "Like I said, I'm down for a threesome, but… seriously, how old is she?"

Shangela brought the joint to her lips, pulled smoke into her lungs and then let it out, leaning against the bannister, her perfectly toned abdomen on display under her crop top, and replied, "I don't know exactly, but she's in college, just started her third year. We're friends, I'm not worried about it as long as she's comfortable-"

"You know I'm _forty-six,_ right?" interrupted Raja as she remembered that average third-year college kids were somewhere around nineteen or twenty. The twenty-five-plus years between herself and Laganja sat uneasily.

"And I'm twenty-seven," replied Shangela, unconcerned, "And that's not an issue for you."

"Because you're clearly an _adult,_ " emphasized Raja, wondering if Shangela was being purposefully obtuse, "Look, I don't even care how old she is if she's obviously so immature. She compared me to her _actual mother,_ that's not cute." 

Raja gestured down the hall to the kitchen where Laganja had joined the other girl on the floor in the splits, laughing and arching her back as she took another hit on the joint. Shangela followed her gaze and smiled affectionately.

"Yeah, that was pretty funny," chuckled Shangela, but there was a note of challenge in her voice, "'Ganja's plenty mature once you get to know her. She said she wanted to do something fun tonight. I figured this," she motioned between the two of them, "Was something fun. I thought you'd like her, I don't see why you're making it an issue?"

"I'm not _making it an issue,_ " denied Raja, annoyed, "It's not a thing. I'm just not into her." She stepped a little closer to Shangela, running her fingers down Shangela's bare arm, raising goosebumps to the younger woman's skin, "But I'd still like to hang out with you tonight."

"Mmm," mused Shangela, eyes darting from Raja's face to her neck, collarbone and chest and back up again, "I suppose I'll forgive you, baby. 'Ganja will be fine down here. Come on, I guess your mid-life crisis got a little too real, huh?"

"Uh-" replied Raja, staring at Shangela.

Shangela pushed herself off the railing, going up the stairs and glancing over her shoulder, amused. Raja sighed, standing in the hallway feeling frustrated and embarrassed about the entire conversation. A mid-life crisis? _Really?_ As if, those were for balding men in their late fifties who impulsively purchased sports cars, not people like _her._

It seemed Shangela had caught on to Raja's little reliving-her-twenties fantasy. 

But what else was there to do tonight, anyway? It was only a Thursday. Manila would be home late from the studio and she'd crash, and Raven wouldn't want to go out because she had work the next day. Not that that should matter, since Raven didn't sleep anyway. Whatever. Shangela was attractive, fun, and as Raja already knew, a very good time. 

Raja wasn't particularly proud of herself, but she climbed the stairs and followed Shangela up into her bedroom, gently shutting the door behind her. Shangela turned and smiled, their earlier disagreement forgiven, and offered Raja some more weed. Raja cracked a joke and Shangela laughed, and they smoked. Shangela gave Raja distinct fuck-me eyes, sparkling under the semi-functional twinkly lights and Raja let the smoke slowly ghost out of her mouth. Shangela took Raja's hips and pulled her in before standing up on her toes to kiss her.

"I'm not having a midlife crisis," murmured Raja, nipping at Shangela's earlobe and caressing the back of her neck, "I'm just here for a good time."

Shangela unbuttoned Raja's shirt with confident hands, and giggled, "Whatever you say baby, at least you're good at sex."

"Damn right I'm good at sex."

In fact, Raja was suddenly determined to make Shangela come as many times as possible tonight just to prove her point. She ran her hands down Shangela's back to her waist. Part of the problem with trying to relive her twenties was being around people who were, well, _actually_ living through their twenties. Including their early, _early_ twenties. It was just messy, considered Raja, kissing Shangela's neck as the younger woman bit back a moan.

Pleasantly high, they stumbled into bed together, smoking and making out until everything was hazy and all the textures were velvet. Raja very much succeeded in her quest, bringing Shangela to her peak over and over again.

-

Manila woke up to the noise of Raja gently closing their bedroom door. She'd only just drifted off to sleep. Annoyed, Manila pushed her face deeper into the pillow as she listened to Raja quietly change and plug her phone in. Then Raja crawled in next to her, lifting the blankets, and a draft of cool air hit Manila's back.

But soon enough the cold was replaced by Raja's warm body, cuddling in next to her, her arm snaking around her waist. Manila turned over, opening her eyes, barely able to discern Raja in the darkness.

"Mmm, goodnight," murmured Raja.

"'Night."

Manila's nose twitched. Raja smelled different. Like weed and patchouli, and something else underneath that, a kind of gentle musk-

Manila froze as she realized. It was the scent of somebody else, of some other woman's body.

Raja cuddled in closer, yawning, but Manila stayed stiff and frozen, unsure of how to respond. She didn't like it, this new smell. But Manila's rational mind kicked in, and she realized that Raja must have come home from a date and been too tired to shower or whatever. It was pretty late after all. Instead of commenting on it, Manila pressed her face into Raja's neck, inhaling deeply. There, she still smelled like herself. Like moss and that face moisturizer she always used. Everything was alright.

Raja kissed the top of her head, and Manila softened, drifting back to sleep.

-

"So, my coworker's party is this weekend," announced Tatianna, wandering into the kitchen looking at her phone.

Raven looked up from where she was putting water on to boil for pasta. Tatianna's chestnut-brown hair was loose, and her high-waisted office skirt was tight, hugging her hips. Raven was still in work clothes too, but her suit jacket was draped across the back of the kitchen chair and the top few buttons of her shirt were undone, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. There was a sharp energy between them.

"I'm going up to Jujubee's this weekend," replied Raven. Although Raven had planned this visit weeks ago, it seemed like Tatianna had forgotten.

"What?" asked Tatianna, looking up from her phone, disgruntled, "But I need a date for the party."

"Well, I can't go," said Raven, frowning and getting the box of pasta out of the cupboard, "I told you like three weeks ago that I'm going to Jujubee's. You're welcome to come."

Tatianna rolled her eyes and pouted, crossing her arms. While Tatianna and Jujubee got along quite well, Tatianna didn't particularly enjoy the long drive out to the distant suburbs or Jujubee's three wild kids, and Raven always wanted to stay much longer than she did.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" complained Tatianna, "I could've found another date-"

"I told you when I planned it. If this party is so important why are you only mentioning it now-"

"I mentioned it _two weeks ago,_ and I asked you _specifically_ if you were available-"

"Yeah," snapped Raven, the conversation suddenly unbelievably annoying, "But I told you _three weeks ago_ about my plan-"

"If you _really_ told me I would've remembered," replied Tatianna, taking a frustrated step forward, "Who's going to be my date for this party?"

Raven rolled her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me!" snapped Tatianna. 

"You take this shit too seriously-" argued Raven, moving closer to her as the tension between them surged. Why did this always happen, every time they disagreed? Arousal and adrenaline pulsed through Raven's body and she stared at Tatianna.

Tatianna's breath quickened, her pupils expanding.

"My god, why are you like this?" breathed Tatianna in frustration, and she grasped the collar of Raven's shirt and pulled her in and their lips crashed together. Raven caught Tatiana's waist, turned and pushed her against the counter, rattling the utensils in the drawer behind her. Tatianna grunted, roughening the kiss, dragging her teeth across Raven's lip and digging her nails into her back. Raven scrabbled at the zipper on the back of Tatianna's skirt, and reached down instead, gripping Taianna's glorious ass and lifting her.

Tatianna broke their kiss for a moment to scramble up on the counter, and then they were flush together again. Utterly caught up in it, adrenaline coursing through her, Raven pushed up Tatianna's skirt, and Tatianna shifted, trying to get her underwear down. Raven dealt with the thin, lacey material easily, yanking the thong to Tatianna's knees, where it fell easily to her ankles. Raven pulled Tatianna in closer, so she was just on the edge of the counter, pushing her legs apart and stroking her with firm, confident fingers. Tatianna gasped aloud as Raven grazed her neck with her teeth, and she seized Raven's shoulder and dug her nails in. Raven was almost surprised to find Tatianna already so wet. Was it the display of dominance that had turned her on? Or the argument itself-

"You know what I want," muttered Tatianna, and Raven breathed a dark laugh before dropping to her knees. 

Raven ate Tatianna out on the counter, and Tatianna's hand tangled in her hair as her moans built, louder and louder. Next to them on the stove, the pot of water came to a boil, steam billowing up to the ceiling.

-

Raja's involvement with Shangela wound down quickly. Although the sex was great they simply led very different lives. And projecting her nostalgia for being young, wild and free onto Shangela wasn't helping Raja feel any younger, wilder or freer.

"-anyway, I've had a great time with you, but I think it's time for me to move on," said Raja, finishing her little breakup speech. It had been forever since she'd broken up with anyone, but she used to be quite good at it. They sat at the wooden table in the kitchen, in the central node of Shangela's house. Luckily it was quiet tonight. There were several plants piled at the far end of the table near the window and Raja moved her gaze from the plants back to Shangela's neutral expression. "You're cool and I'm glad we met."

"Yeah, I agree with that," said Shangela, breaking into a knowing smile to Raja's surprise, "I had a good time with you too, but no one's supposed to last forever. And baby, I'm not stupid. You've caught the nostalgia, and that's fun for a little while but it don't last." "Alright, you got me," laughed Raja, raising her hand in an attempt to shrug it off, though Shangela had hit the nail on the head. "My girl Alyssa is back in town tomorrow anyway," continued Shangela, and winked, pure charm, "So… I wouldn't have had much time for you this week anyway."

"Looks like the timing worked out," said Raja, pleased that she was being let off the hook so easily, "Have fun with her."

"Oh, believe me," grinned Shangela, raising her eyebrows suggestively and taking Raja's hand across the table, "We _always_ do. Baby, you're pretty chill for an older woman, I like that about you. I might even text you sometime if Alyssa and I get lonely, 'cause I think she'd like you."

"Thanks?" said Raja, surprised that Shangela of all people thought she was chill, and squeezed her hand in response. Maybe she'd get that threesome sometime after all.

Raja left feeling content with the overall situation. She'd known from the moment they'd met that she couldn't really keep up with Shangela, but it had been fun to briefly relive her twenties. That, and any excuse to smoke a shitload of weed was great, she should do that more often. Manila had sensitive lungs and didn't smoke much, but she made really good weed brownies. Or she used to, back when they did things like that together.

Raja felt she was truly hitting her stride with the whole open relationship thing, and she was pleased with herself as she got on the subway, heading for home. There was plenty to look forward to, after all. The world was her oyster.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven visits Jujubee out in the suburbs and has a few revelations. Raja and Manila have lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay Jujubob is a ridiculous ship but hear me out it has good energy!! i got unexpectedly invested in their little family so there's a lot of detail in this chapter that's admittedly not very important to the main plot lol...  
> cw: suburban heterosexual couple married with children!!
> 
> _it's okay to be afraid  
>  when the blue sparks hit your brain  
> we can love one another  
> i've been told that it's okay  
> -the talking heads 'creatures of love'_

Raven tucked her hair behind her ears and adjusted her bag over her shoulder before knocking on the door before her.

She stared at her reflection in the glass for a moment before the door violently flew open and a small figure screamed, "AUNTIE RAVEN'S HERE!!" at the top of his lungs.

And then she was attacked, hugged around the waist by two shrieking, giggling children. Raven took a step back, laughing, and attempted the return the hugs and greetings. A toddler followed them, squealing at all the excitement, and hugged Raven around the knee.

"Wow, someone's getting all the love around here."

Raven looked up and saw Jujubee smiling and leaning against the door frame, her long auburn hair up in a top-knot. Raven's heart rose, and the fog in her mind parted. Raven managed to extract herself from the kids and gave Jujubee a hug, kissing her cheek, and added, "I missed you."

Between the two of them they hustled the three kids inside and joined Jujubee's husband, Bob, in the kitchen where they were preparing lunch. It seemed like everyone was 'helping.'

Raven waded through the children into the kitchen, and greeted Bob, "Hey, how's everything?"

"Things are good, I've got plans for a greenhouse in the back yard," replied Bob, with a grin, "How about yo- Hey, watch it, that's for vegetables not people!" The oldest kid had grabbed a paring knife off the cutting board on the counter and was wielding it like a sword, shouting something about _Avatar: The Last Airbender._ Bob quickly re-directed the kid to the cutting board, where he continued 'helping' with lunch.

"A greenhouse? That's great-" said Raven, only to stop and look down as the two-year-old re-attached himself to Raven's leg, giggling hysterically.

"Auntie Raven come look at my drawings!" shouted the middle kid, tugging on Raven's hand.

Jujubee came back around the corner and shook her head authoritatively, "Not now sweetie, you're helping Daddy with lunch. Go get the plates out of the dishwasher."

The middle child complained and stomped over to the dishwasher. Raven bent down and pried the toddler off her leg and picked him up. 

"He's getting heavy," said Raven, propping the two-year-old on her hip, "They're all so much bigger like every time I come over."

"They're growing before our eyes, trust me," laughed Jujubee before clapping her hands together, "Okay, game plan: you keep him occupied, and we'll get lunch under control." Raven nodded. At Jujubee's house, the preparation of meals and the wrangling of children was always an adventure.

It was nice to carry the two-year-old around, he was warm like a little furnace and talked to her in mostly-incomprehensible toddler-babble while Bob and Jujubee managed their other kids and prepared lunch. Neat little succulents lined the windowsills. No one from her work life could ever see her like this, thought Raven as she pointed out the window at a dog and the toddler shrieked excitedly, repeating the word, it would completely ruin her cold-hearted bitch reputation.

Eventually everyone ended up at the big dining table at the end of the kitchen. Raven knew the actual catching-up-amongst-adults portion of the day would come later, because right now there was the very real matter of entertaining and tiring out the three kids. So for now Raven was quite content to eat and reply to the questions that Jujubee's middle child, who was six, was asking. The kid had her hair in two cute puffs on either side of her head. Raven had decided early in her life that she wasn't going to have children, but she loved Jujubee's kids as much as she loved Jujubee herself, and was content to be their cool gay aunt. The visits always provided Raven with a boost of energy and much-needed serotonin.

Raven decided to lead the charge cleaning up after lunch, and luckily it only involved one broken plate.

"Come on, let's go to the park," announced Jujubee, after the disorganized clean-up was deemed good-enough, "Shoes on, everybody." 

The older two kids put on their shoes and jackets, and Bob slipped out the door before them to run some errands, kissing Jujubee's cheek on his way out, "Be back in time for dinner, babe. I'm gonna pick a few things up."

"If you bring home another cactus I'm leaving you," joked Jujubee, wrangling a jacket on to the toddler. Raven chuckled, attempting to strap tiny shoes onto the toddler's kicking feet. Bob and Jujubee collected houseplants the way that some people collected salt and pepper shakers.

"You're worse for that than I am!" called Bob jokingly over his shoulder.

Finally everyone made it outside and the older kids ran ahead while Raven pulled the toddler behind her in a wagon down the wooded road and Jujubee walked next to her.

"Girl, how the heck are you doing?" asked Jujubee, nudging Raven with her elbow, "Please catch me up on all the city gossip."

"I'm okay," replied Raven, the slight wind rustling her hair, "Did I tell you about the whole thing with Raja and Manila?"

"There's always something, what did Raja do this time?"

"She didn't do anything, for once-" laughed Raven, and then proceeded to explain the new development. The couple were keeping it quite private, but Jujubee was close with both of them, so Raven assumed it was okay to tell her. The four of them hadn't had an opportunity to catch up in a while.

"Ha!" exclaimed Jujubee when Raven was finished, "So did Raja just get extra horny in her old age or what?"

"That's what she's claims," joked Raven.

Jujubee gave Raven a sidelong look, "And how exactly do _you_ feel about this?"

"I don't-"

The toddler in the wagon made a cry of distress, and the two of them were momentarily distracted figuring out what was wrong. His sleeve had become twisted, so Jujubee untwisted it. Ahead of them the six year old leapt into a pile of leaves.

"It's fine," said Raven, as the leaves crunched under her feet, "You know I'm over it."

Jujubee shrugged but didn't respond. Jujubee was one of very few people in the world who knew just about all there was to know about Raven. There wasn't anyone Raven loved more, with the exception of Raja, but that was it's own complicated can of worms. Raven didn't have many friends in general. Jujubee and Raja were her lifelines.

They made it to the park where all three kids attacked the jungle gym like rabid animals. Raven and Jujubee sat on a bench and watched. Raven momentarily itched for a cigarette, but she'd vowed never to smoke around Jujubee's kids.

"How's everything here?" asked Raven.

"Things are pretty good," replied Jujubee, brushing a loose hair from of her face, "It's chaos, but it's been chaos since the first one was born, so that won't be going away anytime soon. Good chaos, you know."

"Yeah," replied Raven, nodding, "How's Bob doing?"

"He's going to build that greenhouse even if it kills him," chuckled Jujubee, rolling her eyes, "He won't stop talking about it. Last year it was the playset, the year before it was the deck. Ugh, I love him so much."

"So sappy," teased Raven, but inwardly her heart twitched. Jujubee and Bob were perfect for one another, and their relationship was solid even after eleven years together. Raven admired their pragmatism, the way they shared household tasks and childcare and made the chaos of raising three kids truly work. But she'd always been a little envious of how, after all this time, they _genuinely_ still liked each other. Raven didn't tend to like anybody for very long. 

Well, that wasn't fully true. She'd still liked Morgan, before Morgan had left, about a year after Raven had met Raja. _Something's changed, but you won't fucking explain it or even admit to it,_ Morgan had stated, while Raven yelled at her and begged her not to leave, _and I've tried my best but you know what? You're not my problem anymore-_

But how was Raven supposed to explain to Morgan that she'd fallen in love with someone else, someone who was in a committed relationship, someone who she obviously couldn't have, but who was somehow causing her to lose her mind? Someone who got between her and Morgan, invisibly, without ever meaning to or even knowing she had?

Raven hadn't been able to make any relationship _work_ since.

"How's Tatianna?" asked Jujubee.

"She's… fine. You'll notice she isn't here."

"I did notice," replied Jujubee dryly, as the wind moved in her hair, "And Bob's not gonna miss an opportunity to roast you later, so be ready for that."

Raven laughed and rolled her eyes, "Why do I put up with you two?"

"Because we're amazing and you're terrible at relationships," chuckled Jujubee, "Also our kids would literally kill us if you stopped visiting."

"Well, yeah, I'm annoyed with her," sighed Raven, running a hand through her hair, "She's always late, we're always arguing, I'm tired of it, but…"

"But you still want to fuck her," stated Jujubee, pursing her lips knowingly.

"Yeah," admitted Raven, simultaneously annoyed and grateful for Jujubee's ability to read her mind, "Is that shallow? Fuck. I just need somebody around me right now… the insomnia's back."

"Fuck, that sucks-" said Jujubee, and then she brought a hand to her mouth, "Oh shit, we shouldn't swear around the kids."

"Oh right. Well, I'm glad I'm here anyway."

"You need to break up with her like for real," added Jujubee, "You can both do better."

"Why does everyone keep saying that-?"

The conversation went on as the kids occupied themselves. Jujubee's middle kid was having some disputes at school and the youngest one could recite the alphabet. The oldest one was learning how to skateboard. Raven laughed at that, she used to skateboard around her own suburb, growing up. Raven marvelled, as she did with every visit, at the family life Jujubee had built for herself. Raven didn't have much to show at the age of forty-one. But maybe that was just the fog talking.

Jujubee's middle child sprinted over to them from the playground, shouting, "Will you play with us please, please, _please?!_ "

Raven looked up. The oldest kid had somehow climbed on top of the roof of the play structure, and was waving madly. The toddler was making a sandcastle underneath the jungle gym. Raven glanced at Jujubee, who shrugged and mouthed, "Better you than me."

Raven smiled ruefully, then rose and summoned her enthusiasm to it's maximum level, before following the skipping six-year-old and climbing up onto the jungle gym.

-

Raja took a long lunch break. She rode the subway from work to Manila's studio with food for the two of them. Walking down the hall she could hear _Stop Making Sense_ playing from under Manila's studio door. When she entered she found Manila sitting on the edge of her table with a ball of red yarn in her hand, staring down at an open, stained sketchbook. Her dark curly hair was piled up on top of her head, with a few locks hanging loose around her temples. When Manila saw her she turned the music down and cleared a space on the surface of her table. Raja pulled up a folding chair, and they sat across from each other and ate.

"How is it coming along?" asked Raja, eyes darting around them room. It seemed Manila was flying solo in the studio today, and there were more of the ugly, lumpy, painful-looking sculptures around. Manila had always made edgy avant-garde art but these pieces were particularly odd.

"Slowly but surely," sighed Manila, "I have an interview with _Aesthetica_ magazine in a couple weeks."

"That'll be great!" said Raja encouragingly. Manila got quite nervous about publicity of any sort.

"Yeah, it-" Manila scrubbed a hand across her eye, "It is what it is. It'll be fine."

Raja told her a few anecdotes from work this week. They hadn't spent much time together lately with their conflicting schedules, which was in some ways frustrating and in other ways liberating. It was difficult to see Manila so exhausted, and Raja was still trying to be there for her. She'd taken on a lot of the household tasks they usually shared while Manila was immersed in her art production. The balance held for now. Things would even out again once Manila's show went up and the opening event was over with.

"I know we said we weren't going to talk details," said Manila, taking another bite of her sandwich, "But obviously you've been out meeting people. Like that girl from the falafel place. Are you… I don't know, feeling good about it? Feeling better?"

Raja blinked, surprised. Thoughts of Bianca and Shangela, and the thrill of touching the skin of someone new flitted through her mind. But how to explain it?

"Yeah," began Raja, hesitant, "It's been good. I've been having a great time, actually. It's, uh, it's really exciting."

"So it's like… what you needed?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Manila nodded thoughtfully. Then she shot Raja a sly grin.

"I don't really have the time right now," said Manila, suggestive, "But who knows? Maybe I'll get out there and find a fuckbuddy of my own." She laughed at herself, "Ha! Where would I even meet someone?"

An unpleasant jolt shot through Raja.

"Right, yeah," said Raja, laughing half-heartedly and trying to examine the weird jolt of emotion, "I mean, there are apps for that now. It's different than it was in 2005." She stared at Manila, uncertain.

Manila didn't seem to notice, still laughing and rolling her eyes, "I know that Raja, obviously, I was joking." 

Manila looked around the studio at her mini disaster zone, and sighed.

"Anyway, I need to get this stuff done and up in the gallery before I get to have any fun," sighed Manila. She reached over and squeezed Raja's hand, "But I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Thank you for bringing lunch, I really needed this today."

"You're welcome," murmured Raja, squeezing her hand in return and squashing down the unpleasant feeling.

-

The kids were finally all in bed and asleep after a very long day and Raven and Jujubee were sitting on the couch in Jujubee's living room, a bowl of chips between them. Raven laughed loudly at something Jujubee had said, and she found herself truly unwinding, finally. When Jujubee used to live in the city the two of them and Raja and Manila had all been close, endlessly hanging out and supporting each other. But these days only Raven was the one with enough spare time to actually make the trek out to visit Jujubee in the suburbs. Jujubee occasionally came into the city to visit them all, but that was rare given her schedule and her three kids.

Bob entered the room and sat down in the chair across from the two of them on the couch, announcing, "I just had to read like six entire storybooks out loud to our kids, they were _not happy_ to be going to bed."

"Last week I read them like eight chapters of _Harry Potter_ in a row," joked Jujubee, "And babe, you're interrupting girls night, I was just about to talk so much shit about you." 

"Aw come on, I'm just here to get caught up on the lesbian drama," deadpanned Bob, putting his chin in his hand and raising his eyebrows expectantly at Raven.

"Well, I'm about to break up with Tatianna, again," replied Raven, "And Raja and Manila just decided to try an open relationship."

"Damn!" laughed Bob, "There's always something going on."

"Yeah, things are way more chill out here," added Jujubee, "It's living the city that drives you three insane."

"If you start the whole urban-suburban-rural lifestyle debate again, I swear-" began Raven.

"Speaking of rural, do you remember their wedding?" asked Jujubee, suddenly, "At that place in the mountains? It was _such_ a long drive."

"Toni was… what, six months old?" added Bob, speaking of their middle child affectionately, "That girl was tiny but she could yell. You made _me_ hold her the entire time!"

Jujubee laughed and said something in return as Raven leaned back into the couch, caught in the memory.

It had been a large affair in the early summer, six years ago. Manila was absolutely glowing in a bright yellow dress, unable to suppress her smile. She greeted everyone with enthusiasm, helped people with seating, making sure all their queer friends got along with their various parents and relatives, ensuring everything went smoothly. Manila was hardly the monster bride Raven had anticipated her to be. 

Raja had taken on that role, unexpectedly. It was nerves, Raven reasoned, but Raja was impatient and short with people. All of a sudden she starting arguing with the caterer, who had made some very minor mistake. After a quick moment of eye contact with Carmen behind Raja's back, Raven had dragged Raja out of the crowd to the edge of the woods for a cigarette.

"Do you remember her dress?" asked Jujubee, turning to Raven. 

"Who's?" replied Raven distractedly. 

"Manila's, it was like bright yellow."

"Yeah, but Raja was a _vision…_ "

Raven had taken the cigarette pack out from the inner pocket of her fitted blue suit and tapped out two cigarettes. Raja's arms were crossed across her chest over her beautiful outfit, a white shirt underneath a cropped red jacket with high-waisted matching trousers made from exquisite red and subtle gold fabric Raja had ordered from Indonesia. Raja had half-explained to Raven the cultural connotations of the outfit, but Raven couldn't remember much of the information now except that the red represented courage and it looked glorious, and Raja was sublime and androgynous. Her long dark hair, which was just beginning to streak grey at the time, was draped with fine gold chain that rested on the top of her head and dripped down. Everything about her was beautiful. 

Except her face, which despite being done in lovely, minimal makeup, held a nervous frown.

Raven offered her a cigarette. Raja took it, leaning in as Raven lit it. Then Raja took a deep breath, drawing the smoke into her lungs. Raven's hair had brushed her shoulder, it was long and dark back then with a blunt bang. It had been a questionable hairstyle time for everyone involved.

Raven hadn't said anything, just smoked with Raja and kept her away from everything while Manila, Latrice, Carmen and Jujubee handled it. Soon enough, things were ready, everyone was seated, the officiator was up at the front. People were in their places.

Raven still didn't say anything, she just made eye contact with Raja and motioned with her head. Raja sighed and flicked her cigarette butt to the ground, crushing it underfoot. At this point in their friendship, Raven had accepted that her romantic love for Raja was fully unrequited, but with enough willpower she could still be her friend. The wedding was truly hammering that home. But, despite the feeling that she would need to get very drunk later that night, Raven wanted this to happen. Raja and Manila deserved to be happy, to celebrate and show their commitment and love for each other.

But then Raja had reached out, gripping Raven's arm. Those beautiful kohl-lined brown eyes stared into Raven's own and with an underline of panic in her voice, Raja said, "This is the right decision… right?"

In a split second that felt like an eternity, Raven's emotions almost overflowed. She almost said, _No, no this is the wrong decision. I love you. Let's run away together._

Instead she gently peeled Raja's hand off her arm, and squeezed it in her own and said, "You know it is. Go get married."

A nervous grin had appeared on Raja's face and she'd glanced back to the event, where some relative of Manila's was up, giving a speech. She let go of Raven's hand and linked arms with her, whispering, "Thank you." 

Raven had nodded and they walked over together and Manila softened with visible relief when she set eyes on Raja again. Raven took her seat, and there were speeches, and then the ceremony itself which was _beautiful and joyful and life-affirming_ and all that shit. Later, Raven had indeed gotten very drunk on the dance floor and eventually stolen off into the woods to make out with someone who had turned out to be one of Manila's much younger cousins. Raven was sure nobody remembered that part-

"And I distinctly remember you disappearing with that barely-legal cousin of Manila's," taunted Jujubee, back in the present, poking Raven's arm. 

"Whatever, nobody else remembers that!" protested Raven, poking her back and laughing, "I was so drunk and _she_ was coming on to _me,_ I didn't know she was only eighteen! And I didn't even fuck her, we just made out-"

"You're so dumb," chuckled Jujubee, eating another chip while Bob laughed at them both, "Anyway, I can't believe they're trying an open thing. Raja's going to lose her mind."

"What?" asked Raven, shaken out of her embarrassed protests. Across from her, Bob shook his head ruefully, amused. 

"The bitch gets jealous," stated Bob.

"She gets _so_ jealous!" confirmed Jujubee, laughing, "Remember that time she refused to tip that bartender because she was being, and I quote, _'way too friendly,'_ like with Manila? That was hilarious, well for us, not the bartender."

Raven paused, searching her memory for the incident. She recalled it, and it was quickly joined by other instances of the couple demonstrating what could only be described as, well, mild possessiveness with each other.

"And then there's Manila," continued Jujubee, still amused, "You know I think _she likes_ it 'cause sometimes she acts up if Raja isn't paying enough attention to her. You remember that time she was totally rude to Raja's coworker when we ran into her on the street? They're so transparent."

"Why do you remember _literally every single thing_ that's ever happened to us?" complained Raven before taking a moment to reflect while Bob teased Jujubee for her impeccable memory. It was true, Raja and Manila came across as chill on the surface, but they could both be borderline jealous with one another. In fact, there had even been moments where Raven felt a little competitive with Manila for Raja's attention. Not that she should, because they were just friends, but the feeling lingered. Raven had completely forgotten this flaw. 

Talk about not being able to see the forest for the trees.

Six years ago, after the wedding, Raven had sworn to herself that she was finally over her feelings for Raja. And she'd successfully put them to rest, for a while. But lately they'd flared up again like a chronic illness.

Raven changed the subject and the three of them continued eating and chatting, and she managed to put aside her sudden bout of anxiety. It was easy to just hang out, relax and chat late into the night. Later, after Jujubee and Bob headed upstairs to bed, much to her surprise Raven fell asleep comfortably. Apparently the fold-out couch in Jujubee and Bob's living room was the perfect weapon against her insomnia. 

-

Raja waited up for Manila to get home, hanging around the house after work. Manila had said she'd be home around eight, so Raja put on some music, did some cooking for the upcoming week and puttered around. The house was clean, there wasn't much else to do. Raja called her mom during dinner, catching up in her slightly-rusty Indonesian. 

Eight o' clock rolled around and Raja sat down with her laptop, replying to some emails. Then she checked her phone again, resisting the urge to open _Tinder._ Eight-twenty. Well, sometimes the subway was delayed. 

At eight-forty-five, and Raja got up and paced and looked out the window to the quiet street. Where was Manila?

Impatient, Raja took out her phone. 

_hey are you on your way?_

Fifteen minutes passed without response. Raja sighed. Manila was probably still at the studio, deep in concentration and not looking at her phone. Raja wandered around the house and tried to decide if she should do something else tonight or just give up and watch Netflix before going to bed. Raja wandered through the kitchen and looked in the fridge, maybe she'd snack on some hummus… 

And then she heard the sound of keys in the door. Relief and annoyance mingled in Raja's chest, and she held the fridge open, staring into it, listening as Manila came in. 

"Hey… " Manila's voice drifted from the other room. 

"Oh hey, you're home," called Raja, finally shutting the fridge and going over to greet her, "I didn't hear the door."

"Yeah," replied Manila, putting her big tote bag down on the couch. Raja crossed her arms. There was a specific spot for Manila to put her bags near the door, but Manila had been ignoring it lately, dumping her bags on the couch instead. 

Manila wandered over and patted Raja's arm in some kind of vague greeting and then went to the bathroom. Raja let out a breath, not entirely sure why she was so irritated. 

Manila came back out of the bathroom and asked, "How was your day?"

"Good, good," replied Raja, taking in Manila's messy hair and the bits of red fuzz stuck to her sweater, "Work was fine, uh, Naomi's doing really well. Ran some errands, called my mom."

"That's nice."

"How about yours, productive?"

"Pretty productive," replied Manila, with a yawn, "I think I'm gonna crash, I got some food with Sasha earlier."

With that, Manila turned and walked to their bedroom. Raja sighed. What did she want? Well, she _wanted_ to spend some quality time with Manila, and maybe if Manila had bothered to arrive home on time she wouldn't be so tired… 

The night wasn't necessarily lost, considered Raja, because nine was pretty early to go to bed… and going to bed early meant maybe there'd be time for other things. Other things that happened in bed. Raja smiled to herself. It had been a while. Well, not since _she'd_ had sex, but since it had happened with Manila.

So Raja followed her, slipping through the half-open bedroom door. Manila was changing, slightly bent over in her plain underwear as she stepped out of her jeans. Raja let herself look, admiring Manila's long legs and the little dark mole on the back of her thigh, while she pulled her shirt up over her head. Tossing the shirt to the floor, Manila half-turned, and then jumped in shock, letting out a yelp. 

Hand pressed to her chest, Manila laughed, "Raja! I didn't notice you follow me in, you practically gave me a heart attack…"

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry," replied Raja, not sorry at all, lowering her tone seductively, and taking a step towards her, "I guess I snuck up on you."

"Yeah," said Manila, not picking up on her tone and turning away to take off her bra and laughing to herself, "Shows how much I'm paying attention."

"It does," groused Raja, a little disappointed that Manila wasn't playing along, and changing her trajectory to the bed instead. Raja sat down, admiring Manila as she took her bra off in the warm orange light of the lamp. She looked good, even after all this time. Of course, there were lines that hadn't been there before, her skin was a little less taught and her stomach was a bit more present than it used to be. But considering that she was thirty-eight, well, she still looked excellent. A warm curl of interest announced itself internally.

"Come here," said Raja enticingly, "I missed you today."

"Raja…"

"Manila," replied Raja, maintaing her seductive tone and trying another tactic, "Baby, you've been working so hard, you deserve to relax…"

Manila took a shirt out of the drawer and pulled it on over her head. It was an old, extra-large white cotton T-shirt that read _Visit Grand Rapids!_ that Manila liked to wear to bed. Raja tried not to be disappointed yet, something might still happen.

Raja's hopes raised as Manila walked over to her, and Raja reached out to take her waist and bring her in close, but Manila stopped just beyond arms reach. Raja let her hands quickly drop back to her lap and examined her nails, pretending she hadn't reached out.

"I'm just too tired tonight, sorry," sighed Manila sympathetically, and then she stepped around Raja and crawled into the bed, leaning forward to gently kiss Raja's cheek before pulling back the blanket and sliding under it, "It's been a long week. Maybe in the morning?"

Raja sighed, and stared down at the bedroom carpet. It had been _like forever_ since they'd had sex, and she knew Manila wasn't out dating anyone yet. Raja was _right here,_ and Manila just wasn't interested…? Manila hadn't even bothered to put her clothes in the laundry hamper, noted Raja, she'd just left them on the floor, another thing that annoyed her.

"I… you know I can't really enjoy it properly when I'm stressed out," added Manila, a hint of guilt in her tone, "It's not going to be for that much longer."

Three months was _long_ in Raja's books, but instead of saying anything Raja just gave Manila a quick, chaste kiss. Manila smiled before rolling over and reaching to the bedside table for a book. Raja murmured a goodnight, stood up and left the room.

The rejection didn't feel very good, as Raja stared out the window at the dark street, but it wasn't that much of a loss because they were open now, and Raja could get sexual attention elsewhere. If Manila wanted to begin the final march towards _lesbian bed death,_ then so be it. The concept had always haunted Raja, and she was determined that it wouldn't be her fate. But there were clearly many other special and beautiful women out in the world who wanted her. So if Manila didn't want her right now that was fine, it _didn't matter_ because Raja had options, and like Manila had said, it wouldn't be long until things were back to normal anyway. 

So Raja picked up her phone from where it sat on the coffee table and flopped down on the couch, opening up _Her_ and swiping though profiles in the blue light of the screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone in this fic is getting so many cheek kisses (both platonic and romantic) because guess what the author is feeling a little touch-deprived these days lmao

**Author's Note:**

> i appreciate all comments, thoughts, questions, speculations and conspiracy theories you may have ;)


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